Support...
Losing Billy and Rosie was an eye opening situation for us especially when it came to a support network. Friends that I thought I could count on and would always be there were not there for me in my deepest hour of need and sadness. Friends that I enjoyed, but did not consider them really close were surprisingly the ones that were there for me the most. They were the ones who checked up on me and called persistently until I was able to talk. Alex and Kara made sure that I knew that they loved me and would always be there. Some people like Jamie and Brenda, I always knew would be there and they were. Sadly, Kari was not there like I expected her to be. Maybe she just didn't know what to say or what to do. Maybe she felt helpless and hurt causing her to be unable to be there for me. I will never know and I will always have that pain in my heart that she couldn't or wouldn't be there for me, but I will give her the benefit of the doubt because she has been my best friend for almost 20 years.
Assistance with Grief was an invaluable source of support, care and love. They were so helpful and understood my pain because they lived through it themselves. The friends I made through the group are treasured and I know that they really know how I feel. They aren't pretending or trying to understand, they have been there and they understand the depth of grief and the joy of having Molly.
Walk to Remember and Rowan Tree have also been great resources. They are always there for memorials so that we can remember our sweet little angels. They are there and know about our angels so that our angels will never be forgotten.
Finally, my greatest support has been my husband. He has lived through the hell of losing Billy and Rosie, gone through the bone chilling fear of possibly losing Molly and the great and amazing joy of bringing Molly into this world and hearing her cry. I don't know what I would have done without him. My sister has also been wonderful. She always makes sure to remember Billy and Rosie and never forgets that they were here and they meant everything to us. She also carefully balances the joy we experience with Molly with the constant memory of Billy and Rosie.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Capture your Grief: Day 18
Release...
The question is what do you want to let go of on this journey of grief. Ideally, I would like to let go of the constant question of Why? Why my children? Why were they given to us as a beautiful gift and then taken away? Why did they have to go? While I know I will never actually know the answers to those questions and I will always want to know why, it would be nice not to always ask why. I think the Why is why grief has been so hard for me to get over. That is probably why I will always be hurting and will never be completely healed. I will never know why and even if I did I don't think it would help, but I would like to find out. Maybe one day when I am in heaven holding them in my arms again, I can ask the Lord and maybe he will be able to give me an answer that I can deal with or accept.
The question is what do you want to let go of on this journey of grief. Ideally, I would like to let go of the constant question of Why? Why my children? Why were they given to us as a beautiful gift and then taken away? Why did they have to go? While I know I will never actually know the answers to those questions and I will always want to know why, it would be nice not to always ask why. I think the Why is why grief has been so hard for me to get over. That is probably why I will always be hurting and will never be completely healed. I will never know why and even if I did I don't think it would help, but I would like to find out. Maybe one day when I am in heaven holding them in my arms again, I can ask the Lord and maybe he will be able to give me an answer that I can deal with or accept.
Capture your Grief: Day 17
Time...
It has been way too long since we had Billy and Rosie and then lost them so quickly after their birth. It has been almost 1 year and 9 months exactly since Billy and Rosie were brought into this world and then cruelly taken from it. In 3 days it will be their birthday and we will be visiting the cemetery. Sitting at the cemetery for their birthday is just so difficult. Looking at all of those baby graves with all the toys and flowers is painful. We know they have lots of little angels to play with and that gives us a little comfort in knowing they are not alone, but it is just sad knowing that they do have lots of angel friends.
It has been way too long since we had Billy and Rosie and then lost them so quickly after their birth. It has been almost 1 year and 9 months exactly since Billy and Rosie were brought into this world and then cruelly taken from it. In 3 days it will be their birthday and we will be visiting the cemetery. Sitting at the cemetery for their birthday is just so difficult. Looking at all of those baby graves with all the toys and flowers is painful. We know they have lots of little angels to play with and that gives us a little comfort in knowing they are not alone, but it is just sad knowing that they do have lots of angel friends.
Capture your Grief: Day 16
Seasons...
I'm not sure how the seasons will go this year. Last year, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas were really hard and depressing. They are usually my favorite times of the year, but last year I just couldn't get motivated to decorate or celebrate anything. We were suppose to be celebrating that time with our new little ones, but instead we were preparing for their 1 year angelversary. It is just not fair.
This year will be different. Not in the sense that we are still missing something because Billy and Rosie aren't here, but because we now have Molly. I want to share that special time of the year with her. I want her to enjoy all of the first that the holidays bring with them. I'm looking forward to decorating and celebrating the holidays with Molly. Of course, Billy and Rosie will be apart of the celebrations too.
I'm not sure how the seasons will go this year. Last year, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas were really hard and depressing. They are usually my favorite times of the year, but last year I just couldn't get motivated to decorate or celebrate anything. We were suppose to be celebrating that time with our new little ones, but instead we were preparing for their 1 year angelversary. It is just not fair.
This year will be different. Not in the sense that we are still missing something because Billy and Rosie aren't here, but because we now have Molly. I want to share that special time of the year with her. I want her to enjoy all of the first that the holidays bring with them. I'm looking forward to decorating and celebrating the holidays with Molly. Of course, Billy and Rosie will be apart of the celebrations too.
Capture Your Grief: Day 15
Wave of Light...
Today we lit a candle for Billy and Rosie as part of the Wave of Light. It stayed lit for 2 hours in memory of each of you.
Today we lit a candle for Billy and Rosie as part of the Wave of Light. It stayed lit for 2 hours in memory of each of you.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Capture Your Grief: Day 14
Family...
My family has grown by 1 since losing Billy and Rosie. Molly joined our family this year and she knows she has an older brother and sister. Sadly, yet happily, my parents have become more of our family. It hurts because they still barely acknowledge Billy and Rosie. Occasionally they will make a comment about Billy and Rosie, but for the most part they act like they didn't exist. They do, however, spend a lot of time with Molly which makes me surprisingly unbelievably happy. I love that Molly knows who her grandparents are and she is happy to see them when they come over which is all the time. It is more than I could have asked for. I just wish that they would acknowledge Billy and Rosie more. It would be nice if they went to their grave just once, but I know I am asking too much
My family has grown by 1 since losing Billy and Rosie. Molly joined our family this year and she knows she has an older brother and sister. Sadly, yet happily, my parents have become more of our family. It hurts because they still barely acknowledge Billy and Rosie. Occasionally they will make a comment about Billy and Rosie, but for the most part they act like they didn't exist. They do, however, spend a lot of time with Molly which makes me surprisingly unbelievably happy. I love that Molly knows who her grandparents are and she is happy to see them when they come over which is all the time. It is more than I could have asked for. I just wish that they would acknowledge Billy and Rosie more. It would be nice if they went to their grave just once, but I know I am asking too much
Capture your Grief: Day 9, 12 and 13
I deliberately skipped these days.
Day 9 addressed music, Day 12 was about articles or blogs and Day 13 was about books. I haven't really attached any music, books or articles to my loss so I skipped these days.
Day 9 addressed music, Day 12 was about articles or blogs and Day 13 was about books. I haven't really attached any music, books or articles to my loss so I skipped these days.
Capture Your Grief: Day 11
Emotional triggers...
I'm not sure I have identified them just yet and they are constantly changing. For a while it did not bother me to see fraternal twins, but for some reason, it hurts me a lot to see them now. I have seen lots and I mean lots of fraternal twins recently. They are at the mall, the library, the park, just about every where. Some times I just want to cry and other times I am so angry that I don't have Billy and Rosie here with me.
Going to church has been difficult too. Not only am I still mad at the church for how we were treated after their death, but I'm still mad at G-d because I don't understand why he took my children away from me. I would have been a good mother and loved them like crazy. Church is also difficult because I have to sit in the cry room which is where we sat just prior to the funeral. I don't remember any of the mass for Billy and Rosie, but I do remember seeing their little white coffin at the front of the alter. I remember my first glimpse of it while sitting in the cry room. I still see their coffin to this day.
Sometimes, there is nothing to trigger my sadness, it just happens. I'm not sure what or why a particular day makes me sad. I miss my babies and I look at my Molly and wish she had her brother and sister here so that she could play with them. I just miss them and wish they were here to play with their little sister.
I'm not sure I have identified them just yet and they are constantly changing. For a while it did not bother me to see fraternal twins, but for some reason, it hurts me a lot to see them now. I have seen lots and I mean lots of fraternal twins recently. They are at the mall, the library, the park, just about every where. Some times I just want to cry and other times I am so angry that I don't have Billy and Rosie here with me.
Going to church has been difficult too. Not only am I still mad at the church for how we were treated after their death, but I'm still mad at G-d because I don't understand why he took my children away from me. I would have been a good mother and loved them like crazy. Church is also difficult because I have to sit in the cry room which is where we sat just prior to the funeral. I don't remember any of the mass for Billy and Rosie, but I do remember seeing their little white coffin at the front of the alter. I remember my first glimpse of it while sitting in the cry room. I still see their coffin to this day.
Sometimes, there is nothing to trigger my sadness, it just happens. I'm not sure what or why a particular day makes me sad. I miss my babies and I look at my Molly and wish she had her brother and sister here so that she could play with them. I just miss them and wish they were here to play with their little sister.
Capture your Grief: Day 10
Beliefs... What happens to us when we die?
This is not a difficult question for me as I have believed the same thing since I was a child. When we die we go to heaven and are greeted by those who have died before us. Knowing this has brought some peace to my heart after losing Billy and Rosie. First, I know that they are not alone. Billy and Rosie are playing in a meadow of flowers. I know this because I saw them doing it. With them are my grandma and my husband's father. My grandmother is thrilled to be with her great grandchildren. I know she is taking care of them and giving them all of the love that I am not able to give them yet.
Second, I will be with them again one day. It may not be soon, but I will see them and hold them and love them physically again. It is a small comfort of growing older that I will be with my Billy and Rosie again. There is a heaven and my children are in it surrounded by those who have loved my husband and I. They are giving Billy and Rosie the love and care I am unable to give from earth. I look forward to the day that I get to be with them again. Until that day, I will continue to love them from earth and spoil their little sister.
This is not a difficult question for me as I have believed the same thing since I was a child. When we die we go to heaven and are greeted by those who have died before us. Knowing this has brought some peace to my heart after losing Billy and Rosie. First, I know that they are not alone. Billy and Rosie are playing in a meadow of flowers. I know this because I saw them doing it. With them are my grandma and my husband's father. My grandmother is thrilled to be with her great grandchildren. I know she is taking care of them and giving them all of the love that I am not able to give them yet.
Second, I will be with them again one day. It may not be soon, but I will see them and hold them and love them physically again. It is a small comfort of growing older that I will be with my Billy and Rosie again. There is a heaven and my children are in it surrounded by those who have loved my husband and I. They are giving Billy and Rosie the love and care I am unable to give from earth. I look forward to the day that I get to be with them again. Until that day, I will continue to love them from earth and spoil their little sister.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Capture you Grief: Day 8
Colors
I mostly associate pink and blue with them because they were a girl and a boy. I also associate orange with Billy because I think of them as butterflies and I envision Billy as a monarch butterfly. For Rosie, I always picture her with blue wings because she was blue from they dye they injected in me to make sure her membranes were intact.
I mostly associate pink and blue with them because they were a girl and a boy. I also associate orange with Billy because I think of them as butterflies and I envision Billy as a monarch butterfly. For Rosie, I always picture her with blue wings because she was blue from they dye they injected in me to make sure her membranes were intact.
Capture your Grief: Day 7
Me now...
Sometimes I am still in shock and other times I am just there. I miss them everyday and I still can't understand why they are gone. It just isn't fair. Lately I have seen a lot of fraternal twins and it just hurts. Why don't I have 3 kids running around my legs right now? I'm trying to still get use to this new normal. Sometimes I feel guilty because I am so happy to have Molly and know how lucky I am. Molly deserves to have her older siblings here with her. At times I am really bothered by it and other times I just know that I can't change the fact that Billy and Rosie are gone. I still think of them every day and I miss them terribly.
Sometimes I am still in shock and other times I am just there. I miss them everyday and I still can't understand why they are gone. It just isn't fair. Lately I have seen a lot of fraternal twins and it just hurts. Why don't I have 3 kids running around my legs right now? I'm trying to still get use to this new normal. Sometimes I feel guilty because I am so happy to have Molly and know how lucky I am. Molly deserves to have her older siblings here with her. At times I am really bothered by it and other times I just know that I can't change the fact that Billy and Rosie are gone. I still think of them every day and I miss them terribly.
Capture Your Grief: Day 6
Rituals...
There are so many rituals we have to remember Billy and Rosie. On their birthday each month we visit them at the cemetery and bring them cookies. We share the cookies with Billy and Rosie and then know that they get to chase the geese who come for the cookies after we leave. Every night we turn on the light in their room and kiss them (actually we kiss the happy flowers we got for them). We talk to Billy and Rosie each night and make sure they stay a part of our lives.
There are so many rituals we have to remember Billy and Rosie. On their birthday each month we visit them at the cemetery and bring them cookies. We share the cookies with Billy and Rosie and then know that they get to chase the geese who come for the cookies after we leave. Every night we turn on the light in their room and kiss them (actually we kiss the happy flowers we got for them). We talk to Billy and Rosie each night and make sure they stay a part of our lives.
Capture you Grief: Day 5
Memory...
Awww...So many memories. On the day they died, I remember watching Billy suck his thumb and feeling Rosie try to kick out of her swaddling. I remember Billy looking just like his daddy. They had the same skin color, chin, forehead and nose. Rosie looked just like me, no upper lip, tan skin and a big bootie. :) I remember how much and deeply I loved them the moment they were born. I don't really remember the next 6 or 8 weeks, but I do remember that and I am so grateful for those few minutes of life we got to spend with them. They were only here a few minutes and we got to hold and love them the entire I time.
Awww...So many memories. On the day they died, I remember watching Billy suck his thumb and feeling Rosie try to kick out of her swaddling. I remember Billy looking just like his daddy. They had the same skin color, chin, forehead and nose. Rosie looked just like me, no upper lip, tan skin and a big bootie. :) I remember how much and deeply I loved them the moment they were born. I don't really remember the next 6 or 8 weeks, but I do remember that and I am so grateful for those few minutes of life we got to spend with them. They were only here a few minutes and we got to hold and love them the entire I time.
Capture you Grief: Day 4
Legacy
That is a good one. I'm not sure just yet. Right now I would have to say their legacy is that there are so many other important things than just work. Before Billy and Rosie, I was wrapped up and consumed with my job. I felt it was important and it made me important. After losing them, work just didn't mean anything any more. I just don't care about work like I use to. Billy and Rosie made me focus on myself and my husband and now on Molly. So I guess that is their legacy.
That is a good one. I'm not sure just yet. Right now I would have to say their legacy is that there are so many other important things than just work. Before Billy and Rosie, I was wrapped up and consumed with my job. I felt it was important and it made me important. After losing them, work just didn't mean anything any more. I just don't care about work like I use to. Billy and Rosie made me focus on myself and my husband and now on Molly. So I guess that is their legacy.
Capture Your Grief: Day 3
Myths: You will eventually accept your loss
Ummm....No I don't think so. There is no way that I will be able to accept the deaths of my babies. I didn't understand why I lost them then and I still don't understand why. I get the medical stuff, but it doesn't make it any easier and I will never accept that they died
Ummm....No I don't think so. There is no way that I will be able to accept the deaths of my babies. I didn't understand why I lost them then and I still don't understand why. I get the medical stuff, but it doesn't make it any easier and I will never accept that they died
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Capture your Grief: Day 2
The topic for today is Identity..
We named you Billy and Rosie. Mommy and Daddy decided on your names years ago when we were talking about children and what we wanted to name them. Billy was named after daddy's dad who died when daddy was only 6 years old. We named Rosie after mommy's grandma who passed away in 2007. We wanted to name you both after people we loved so much and wanted to honor them by giving you their names. When you were in mommy's tummy the doctors called you two Baby A and Baby B so we nicknamed you Agatha and Bernie once we found out your genders. We always knew what your real names would be though.
Billy arrived on Jan. 25, 2013 at 11:49 a.m. He was 1 pound 2 ozs and 13 1/2 inches long. He was considered very big for a twin at that age. Rosie came very quickly after at 11:51 a.m. She was 15 ounces and 12 inches long. She was very petite especially compared to her brother. You both were born alive and mommy and daddy held you until you passed away. Daddy held Billy while mommy held Rosie. I still remember Rosie's face when she finally passed away. She was so beautiful and looked peaceful. Mommy still remembers watching Billy suck his thumb before daddy and mommy got to hold him. It was the worse day of our lives and yet holding you both was the greatest moment of our lives up to then. We are so lucky to be your mommy and daddy.
We named you Billy and Rosie. Mommy and Daddy decided on your names years ago when we were talking about children and what we wanted to name them. Billy was named after daddy's dad who died when daddy was only 6 years old. We named Rosie after mommy's grandma who passed away in 2007. We wanted to name you both after people we loved so much and wanted to honor them by giving you their names. When you were in mommy's tummy the doctors called you two Baby A and Baby B so we nicknamed you Agatha and Bernie once we found out your genders. We always knew what your real names would be though.
Billy arrived on Jan. 25, 2013 at 11:49 a.m. He was 1 pound 2 ozs and 13 1/2 inches long. He was considered very big for a twin at that age. Rosie came very quickly after at 11:51 a.m. She was 15 ounces and 12 inches long. She was very petite especially compared to her brother. You both were born alive and mommy and daddy held you until you passed away. Daddy held Billy while mommy held Rosie. I still remember Rosie's face when she finally passed away. She was so beautiful and looked peaceful. Mommy still remembers watching Billy suck his thumb before daddy and mommy got to hold him. It was the worse day of our lives and yet holding you both was the greatest moment of our lives up to then. We are so lucky to be your mommy and daddy.
Capture your Grief: Day 1
To honor Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, mommy is going to try and do the entire capture your grief project from Carly Marie. Day one started with the sunrise.
I didn't actually get to catch the sunrise as you can see that it was blocked by buildings, but I did capture it from another angle. I saw the sunrise hit the mountains. The mountain view was more important because I think of you both when I see the mountains. Your grave also over looks the mountains so I think the picture of the sun hitting the mountains was the most appropriate picture to remember you.
I didn't actually get to catch the sunrise as you can see that it was blocked by buildings, but I did capture it from another angle. I saw the sunrise hit the mountains. The mountain view was more important because I think of you both when I see the mountains. Your grave also over looks the mountains so I think the picture of the sun hitting the mountains was the most appropriate picture to remember you.
Sept. 28 , 2013 Walk to Remember
Mommy and your sister went to the Walk to Remember for you two. Daddy had to work, but he was there in spirit with us. It was really hard to be at the walk. It really hurts that all we get to do is remember you instead of holding you in our arms. It is so unfair that you aren't here to be with your little sister. She would love playing with you two. Instead, we just attending a walk and released balloons for both of you. It was a cold day in the morning and your sister had to wear a Winnie the Pooh jacket. She didn't really like it since it was a little too big for her and covered her eyes. She just turned 5 months old and she enjoyed seeing your balloons and watched them float away. Mommy couldn't help but cry most of the day. I know we are lucky to have your little sister and we wouldn't give her up for anything, but it still doesn't feel like we are a complete family with out you with us. Here are some pictures Mommy took of the event.
June 29, 2013 Butterfly Release
Mommy is sorry it has been so long since she has written. Mommy and Daddy talk to you everyday so I sometimes forget to update here. Mommy, Daddy and your little sister went to the butterfly release on June 29, 2013. It was such a pretty day and Mommy and Daddy wished you were there with us instead of us having to release butterflies for you. Your little sister held your butterflies for you and she was so gentle. She didn't squish them, but then again she was sleeping. Daddy released Billy's butterfly and he flew off right away and landed on daddy. I included a picture of daddy and Billy. Rosie's butterfly was cold so she didn't want to fly off. Mommy released her, but then daddy held the butterfly until she warmed up and flew away. This was your little sister's first remembrance event. She will always know that she has a big brother and sister who are her guardian angels. We miss you and love you so much.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
16 Months Old
Today you two are 16 months old. It is so hard to believe you have been gone for so long. My heart hurts when I think about the day you were born. Holding you until you passed was the worst and greatest day in my life. Daddy is hurting so bad. He misses you two so much that he sometimes can't even talk. We wanted to visit your grave on Father's Day, but it was too hard for Daddy to go. He stayed home and cried instead. We still go to visit on your birthday every month. Now we bring along your little sister. Right now she is too small to know that we are visiting your grave, but when she is older she will understand. At night time we take her into your room to visit. Daddy likes taking her in to your room when she is crying and he calms her down in there. He likes to tell her all about her big brother and sister.
Saturday is the butterfly release and we are releasing butterflies for each of you. I promise to post pictures of the butterflies again this year. I miss you so much. My heart hurts every day and I can't stop thinking of you two. I really wish you were here for your little sister. You could play with her when she is older. I know she can see you and play with you, but I really wish she could do it physically. I love you so much. Mommy
Saturday is the butterfly release and we are releasing butterflies for each of you. I promise to post pictures of the butterflies again this year. I miss you so much. My heart hurts every day and I can't stop thinking of you two. I really wish you were here for your little sister. You could play with her when she is older. I know she can see you and play with you, but I really wish she could do it physically. I love you so much. Mommy
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