Capture Your Grief: Day 19

Support...

Losing Billy and Rosie was an eye opening situation for us especially when it came to a support network.  Friends that I thought I could count on and would always be there were not there for me in my deepest hour of need and sadness.  Friends that I enjoyed, but did not consider them really close were surprisingly the ones that were there for me the most.  They were the ones who checked up on me and called persistently until I was able to talk.  Alex and Kara made sure that I knew that they loved me and would always be there.  Some people like Jamie and Brenda, I always knew would be there and they were.  Sadly, Kari was not there like I expected her to be.  Maybe she just didn't know what to say or what to do.  Maybe she felt helpless and hurt causing her to be unable to be there for me.  I will never know and I will always have that pain in my heart that she couldn't or wouldn't be there for me, but I will give her the benefit of the doubt because she has been my best friend for almost 20 years.

Assistance with Grief was an invaluable source of support, care and love.  They were so helpful and understood my pain because they lived through it themselves.  The friends I made through the group are treasured and I know that they really know how I feel.  They aren't pretending or trying to understand, they have been there and they understand the depth of grief and the joy of having Molly.

Walk to Remember and Rowan Tree have also been great resources.  They are always there for memorials so that we can remember our sweet little angels.  They are there and know about our angels so that our angels will never be forgotten. 

Finally, my greatest support has been my husband. He has lived through the hell of losing Billy and Rosie, gone through the bone chilling fear of possibly losing Molly and the great and amazing joy of bringing Molly into this world and hearing her cry.  I don't know what I would have done without him.  My sister has also been wonderful.  She always makes sure to remember Billy and Rosie and never forgets that they were here and they meant everything to us.  She also carefully balances the joy we experience with Molly with the constant memory of Billy and Rosie.

Capture your Grief: Day 18

Release...

The question is what do you want to let go of on this journey of grief.  Ideally, I would like to let go of the constant question of Why?  Why my children? Why were they given to us as a beautiful gift and then taken away?  Why did they have to go?  While I know I will never actually know the answers to those questions and I will always want to know why, it would be nice not to always ask why.  I think the Why is why grief has been so hard for me to get over.  That is probably why I will always be hurting and will never be completely healed.  I will never know why and even if I did I don't think it would help, but I would like to find out.  Maybe one day when I am in heaven holding them in my arms again, I can ask the Lord and maybe he will be able to give me an answer that I can deal with or accept.

Capture your Grief: Day 17

Time...

It has been way too long since we had Billy and Rosie and then lost them so quickly after their birth.  It has been almost 1 year and 9 months exactly since Billy and Rosie were brought into this world and then cruelly taken from it.  In 3 days it will be their birthday and we will be visiting the cemetery.  Sitting at the cemetery for their birthday is just so difficult.  Looking at all of those baby graves with all the toys and flowers is painful.  We know they have lots of little angels to play with and that gives us a little comfort in knowing they are not alone, but it is just sad knowing that they do have lots of angel friends. 

Capture your Grief: Day 16

Seasons...

I'm not sure how the seasons will go this year.  Last year, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas were really hard and depressing.  They are usually  my favorite times of the year, but last year I just couldn't get motivated to decorate or celebrate anything.  We were suppose to be celebrating that time with our new little ones, but instead we were preparing for their 1 year angelversary.  It is just not fair.

This year will be different.  Not in the sense that we are still missing something because Billy and Rosie aren't here, but because we now have Molly.  I want to share that special time of the year with her.  I want her to enjoy all of the first that the holidays bring with them.  I'm looking forward to decorating and celebrating the holidays with Molly.  Of course, Billy and Rosie will be apart of the celebrations too.

Capture Your Grief: Day 15

Wave of Light...

Today we lit a candle for Billy and Rosie as part of the Wave of Light.  It stayed lit for 2 hours in memory of each of you.

Capture Your Grief: Day 14

Family...

My family has grown by 1 since losing Billy and Rosie.  Molly joined our family this year and she knows she has an older brother and sister.  Sadly, yet happily, my parents have become more of our family.  It hurts because they still barely acknowledge Billy and Rosie.  Occasionally they will make a comment about Billy and Rosie, but for the most part they act like they didn't exist.  They do, however, spend a lot of time with Molly which makes me surprisingly unbelievably happy.  I love that Molly knows who her grandparents are and she is happy to see them when they come over which is all the time.  It is more than I could have asked for.  I just wish that they would acknowledge Billy and Rosie more.  It would be nice if they went to their grave just once, but I know I am asking too much

Capture your Grief: Day 9, 12 and 13

I deliberately skipped these days.

Day 9 addressed music, Day 12 was about articles or blogs and Day 13 was about books.  I haven't really attached any music, books or articles to my loss so I skipped these days.